Once again.

When I’m looking at you, I can see myself in your eyes. I can see how your feelings are hurting you and I can see tears streaming down your face. All this is hurting me as much as it’s hurting you. I feel everything that you feel and my tears are mixed with yours. I see us in different worlds and then I see us together. Whenever we are together I can’t help but smile and feel secure. But every time we meet, we have to start over. Once again. And I don’t have the time for people who turn their back on me and then comes back when they feel like it. I have better things to do. I really wish that someday, you will understand me as well as I understand you. But at the moment, I can only see you in a different world.

I don’t think that you know how much you mean to me. How much I actually listen to you and how much I respect your opinion. This means also that you can hurt me really easily. Please don’t do that.

It is the small moments that count the most. I really needed our talk this morning. Thank you for always letting me in.

Don’t get me started…

Maybe.

Now is the time when I should smile, say that I had a great time and I’m fully relaxed and ready for a new week. Sure, all that was my feeling on train back. This is how I felt till about 18, 47. When you once again took me for granted. Told me things that I have to do and things that I have to say.
Not even a hug to wish me welcome back, no eye contact and no “nice to see you”. I don’t think that I have felt more alone then during those seconds. It hurts. Don’t promise me one thing and then do another. Not a good end to a really good weekend.

How I wish I could read you mind. Just so I knew how to feel, how to act and how to be. I’m really confused because I can’t tell how you feel about me.

But this was a nice weekend. I really needed it. I think I needed it to realise that things can’t always be the same, forever. People change and I have changed. We can’t always feel the same as we did 2 years ago. Its hard to face, but maybe we don’t need each other anymore. Maybe we stayed by each others side because we didn’t know better. We needed each other to survive, and maybe we don’t need that anymore. We have our own lives now, and other friends that maybe understand us better.

There are things that I even can’t tell you. And it hurts so much. I’m afraid that you will judge me. And later use it against me. It’s sad, and this is exactly what I was afraid of.
Please prove me wrong.


Vi har fått en konstig ko…

Deep.

There are so many feelings running around in my head at the moment. There are so many that I’m having a hard time figuring out what they are.
Its getting late, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. But I’m still washing my clothes. And that won’t be ready for another hour or so. Someone feel like talking?

I can’t believe that I’m coming tomorrow. Its gonna be so nice, and we are going to have so much fun.
I will bring Mamma Mu. Just for you. Just for you.

It’s been raining for to long now. I want it to stop. It will stop, and after rain, sunshine!!

It was a good day today. I even had time for breakfast this morning. I sat for half an hour and read the newspaper and ate my breakfast. I was a nice feeling. Maybe that’s my alone time. Those few minutes to take a couple of deep breaths. It makes your whole day a lot different.

I’m tired. But its gonna be so nice to see you again tomorrow. Even if its not for long. Just for a couple of days, but it’s gonna be so much fun.


I’m sitting on a toolbox...

Sometimes.

Sometimes when you look around, all you can see is the problems. Wherever you turn you run into something that you have to do, someone you have to meet or just another friend that need your time. What do you do when you feel like you have had enough? How to you tell someone that you don’t have the time to stop and listen? Do you have your time, or are you just like me; you don’t stop until you hit the wall. Someone asks if you are alright, and every time you are answering with a smile, of course everything is alright. But the feelings inside you tell differently. I learned today that you need time alone, you need those few minutes a day to relax and take a deep breath. You can’t be there for everyone and you can’t be loved by everyone. How hard it is to accept it and to let it go, that is the best you can do. It all sounds so easy, but thing is, it’s so hard! When a friend tells you one thing, you often do the opposite. And then afterwards you realise that you really should have listen to your friend! In my life, friends mean a lot! I wouldn’t be where I am today without them. Friends stay forever, whatever happens. Save those friends in a safe place, show them that you care and don’t take them for granted.

Sometimes a talk can help you trough the day. When you open up to me about your day, I can’t help but smile. I know that you love me and you care. Just to hear you tell me something that happened today, I know that we will always have this special relationship! I love you mom.

I’m really looking forward to this weekend, only thinking about it is making me smile! I could really need this time away. And I can’t wait!!

I wish the sun would come out. Just for a few hours so I could get my energy back. I need it!

I still can’t find my keys, and I still can’t believe I lost them! ME! The control freak of keys!


Raindrops are falling on my head…


The few things matter the most.

Once.

Once upon a time a girl came walking towards me, I had never seen her before and I didn’t know why she came my way. She stopped right in front me, smiled and said hello. Hi I said, didn’t know if I should run or call the coops. She continued, you look like you need a smile today! Then left me standing there, wondering and looking confused. What message did I want to say with this little story? That you can’t change people’s life but you can make their day. With a smile or a hug or a phone call you can make someone really happy. You can make the feel loved and wanted. Take that chance, give them your smile!

I lost my keys! I never do that!!

I can’t get you off my mind. It’s getting really annoying. Stop it.



I need a miracle.

Soon.

When I was young, or younger, I used to dress up and pretend that I was older. Now when I am a bit older I want to go back to being a kid. I thought of a memory today. I think I was about 9 or 10. Me and my best friend at the time was out playing as we always were in the middle of the summer. We were always out until late at night still playing and having fun. This was the best time of my life. I had nothing to worry about, friends to play with and no homework to do. I just missing being able to take the day as it comes, do whatever I feel like doing. These days I have to plan my every move and I need to know where I’m going. It’s stressful and it’s hard trying to make room for everything. I think that we all need to go back to being a child once and a while. Go back to the feeling of being free and wake up to a new day with having any idea what it will bring.

I had a dream about you. But it was weird. Like I didn’t know you at all. But in a weeks time I will get a hug again, and a look that says that I do know you.

It feels like we need alone time. There are things that I would like to tell you. Talk about. Show you things that need to get out of my system!
I will call you. Soon.


I have a dream.

Believe.

You can’t change people’s life, you can’t make them feel different and you can’t decide what they should do. Sometimes, you whish you could. But everyone has the right to make their own decisions. Maybe they aren’t the right ones. But then, they can only blame themselves.

When I talk to you, you give me a feeling. A feeling of calmness, a feeling of safety. Like everything is gonna be ok. You tell me when I overreact and when I’m just too much. No one have every done that before. It’s nice.

I wish I could have a good day, a good day without comments, without looks and with being accused of something. All I’m trying to do is the best I can, I can’t do much more. I hope that you see that.

When you say I’m not your number one anymore, I believe you. I have never asked for it either. Again you are telling me what to do and how to be. I know that you want answer, but still, I can only give you questions. Because I don’t have answers. I wish I did, but I don’t.


I still believe.

Jag förstår inte.

Jag förstår inte vara inte folk kan vara ärliga. Blir inte allt så mycket bättre om man bara berättar sanningen. Jag trodde det.
Men som vanligt så är det jag som har fel, det är jag som blir besviken och samtidigt så är det jag som är barnslig.
Jag förstår inte alls hur det går ihop.
Men tydligen så gör det de.

Ingen bra dag i dag. Nej usch.
Jag fixar inte allt gnäll. Jag gör inte det. Jag går sönder, långsamt, sakta så bryts jag ner. Jag orkar inte med allt som alla vill att jag ska göra.

Jag är läskig vah?


Orkar inte mer.

Because.

I don’t know what you are expecting from me. Because it doesn’t seem like I can give it to you. It seems like you are hiding something and I cant figure out what.

When you are talking to me, I can’t help but not listen. You really need to stop nagging on me if you want me to listen. When I’m home I need to feel like I can be my self. And when you are around, I can’t relax. I’m tip toeing around you, afraid for what I might or might not say. That’s not fair to me and its not even fair to you.

Many feelings running around in my body at the same time. Its different feelings when I’m talking to different people, is that weird? Many things that I should be doing instead of this.
But I can’t help it; I don’t think I’m ready.

Still looking forward to hear from you. Doesn’t seems like I’m getting anywhere. But you are special to someone, and to the world. My world wouldn’t be the same without you!


You rock my world!

Walk away.

Should you stay or should you go. I would like it if you walked away. I’m not letting you push me around anymore. Cause I don’t like it. You have used your power one to many times on me, and I’m not falling for it again. You may think that I will come around and adjust, but I won’t. So you can stop whatever it is that you’re doing.

Yesterday.
Yesterday was fun. Especially with you and our shopping trip. And the bus. You make me laugh like no one else does.

Today.
Lunch with the girls, always fun! We really should to it more often. I think that we all need some alone time together.

Tonight.
It should be interesting to see. I sure hope that nothings happens. Cause I will blame you.


Jag vet inte längre ut eller in.

Its hard.

When everything is going without you. You don’t know if you should stay or if you should go. I think that I’m more of the running kind. I run away form all the problems when I should stay and solve them.
But i might be to tired to know, to tired to think.

Today was just a bad day. We all have them, and when know that we have them as well. But today; no good day for laugh, no good day for jokes and no good day for you.

It doesn’t feel right, and I have no idea how I should tell. It feels wrong and I think I gave you the wrong message. My fault, I know and now I’m the one that have to deal with it. But I don’t know how.

However, this one girl. Always makes everything right. Thank you.


Vet inte riktigt vart jag ska ta vägen.

A day.

A day in my life passes by so fast. Without a blink another day has gone and we are one step closer to summer. One step closer to the weekend and one step closer to a good nights sleep. Still, I don’t know where I am going. People try to push me in different directions that they think is best for me, when all I want to do is kick my shoes off and go somewhere fun.
One year left. One year.

Sometimes I whish that I could turn back time. Just so I could make everything right. No pretending, no false messages and no fake smiles.
Just so no one would be hurt.

It feels like summer and it smells like summer. Is it here to stay now? I really do hope so. Let’s keep summer for always.

I don’t know where I have you at the moment. Its all a bit confusing. Just don’t call me names. And don’t treat me like a child.


Let’s think this through

Det finns så mycket.

Det finns så mycket skratt, det finns så mycket tårar och det finns så mycket orättvisor. jag önskar jag kunde hjälpa alla. Jag gör verkligen de. Men man känner sig så himla hjälplös. Men detta, det ska jag fixa. Om de så är de sista jag gör.

Underbar dag i går. Är så glad över att du blev glad. Det var huvudsaken.

Lite konstig känsla i rummet i går. Men de kanske blir så när allt inte går som det ska. Lite jobbigt, men de gäller ju att göra det bästa av situationen..

Uppe tidigt och i säng sent.. Undrar hur jag ska klara av nästa vecka med all denna sömnbrist.. Det kan bli svårt.
Men också kanske ganska så roligt.

Nu tillbaka till dig. Lovade de ju de.
Kan jag inte bara få sova igen?

Im the past

It’s hard to find relief.

But yesterday, you changed something in me. You made me open my eyes for something more. Something that I haven’t seen before. You told me that you are always gonna be there for me, whatever happens, you will be there to comfort me. We had such an a amazing night yesterday. Despite all the other people we always have around us, we know.
That is what makes us special.

Wow. I want this weather all year around. Best day in a long time. Just laying there, feeling the sun and hearing the waves.
Made a huge difference. I just had the perfect night, fallowed by a perfect day.
I realised that I have lots of friends that actually care.
It means the world to me.
The world.

Good day tomorrow. Oh yes indeed.


En undran om vem som svek vem först

Perfect mess.

That’s what you called me. And you couldn’t have been more right. I am everywhere, all the time. I do things that I shouldn’t be doing. Why? I don’t know… Should I know? I used to be cleaver, I used to be smart and I used to be pretty. Did it all go away because I said so? Did it go away just because you happened? You came in and stole my life, and never gave it back. And you are supposed to be my father figure. But its you a feel sorry for, its you that have my pity and I feel for you.

I’m finally done with my Spanish. Finally!! Took some time and some late nights. But its done.

Sleep over at Anna’s tomorrow. Baking, talking and laughing. Just the way it should be.

Sun came out today, and the sky turned blue. I even smelled spring, when I was biking home from school, it hit me. Spring is here and I can smell it! I saw the flowers for the first time and the trees are starting to get green. Oh spring!



Everybody has something they have to leave behind
This is know, but I still cant find ways to let you go

Strange.

I don’t really know. I don’t really know why, and I don’t really know how. But somehow we ended up like this. I don’t like and I don’t think that you do either.
Some people don’t know where they are going; I think that I am one of those people. People, that look like they know what they are doing, but its chaos inside. However, I know what I like, and what I don’t like. Isn’t that enough? Shouldn’t it be?

Today.
Many things to do, many people to see and then you who called to say that you like me. All in one day.
When I walked home from school today, I had to stop, look at the sky and feel the sun. Finally! Everything seems so much brighter when the sun is out. All problems just fade away.
I wish that feeling could stay forever.

Then YOU called, wow. Didn’t see that coming. Lets take a step at a time…

Just writing in english so a special person can read.
Just for you… just for you…


Let's come together
In a sweet harmony

I går.

I går hände det så mycket. Det var så mycket som stod på spel och jag tror att jag har förstått nu. När vi satt vid slottet och tittade på brasan så var det nåt som kom över mig. Jag satt med massa folk som jag tycker om, folk som jag känner. Men den stora frågan var, känner dom mej? Kan dom läsa mig lika bra som jag kan läsa dom?
Jag satt och njöt av att få varfa omringad av folk, av roligt folk av folk som skrattar och pratar. Jag kunde blunda och för några sekunder så stog tiden still. De varade säkert bara någon sekund, men just den sekunden betyde allt.

Nu är äntligen våren här. Dock märks de inte på vädret. Det är tunga moln och solen orkar inte riktigt att ta sig igenom. Jag ser nog att den vill, men den orkar inte.
Hoppas de blir bättre snart... de vore så skönt om våren kom på rikigt.

Vi fick prata ganska så länge i går, vilket jag tror att vi båda behövde. Jag gjorde de i alla fall. Med allt och alla som händer här hemma så känns de skönt att kunna ringa dig som står på avstånd och kanske få ett annat perespektiv. Jag tror du förstår mej mer än vad jag vill att du ska göra. Det känns lite skrämmande.
Får jag vara en del av ditt liv?


Jag vet fortfarande inte riktigt vad jag vill...